I cannot tell a lie

So.... here's the story. It is so stinkin funny, and I can't seem to reach my husband, so I'm going to share it with you all.

On the way home from picking Vivianne up from kindergarten, Alex and Avalon were in the back of the minivan. Avalon was looking at a new Christmas entertaining/cook book I had bought. Talia was in the middle looking at a new catalog.

I heard a loud rip.
"Talia! Did you rip mommy's new catalog??"

The answer was no - it was Avalon in the back seat with my new book.

"Avi!!" I cry out. She feels bad and begins to cry.

Then it begins. (it gets real good. read the following with much drama and angist, and anger, and anguish)

Alex: "She ripped out a whole page!"  (me: where is it?)
"On her lap." (oh yeah? Hand it to me.)
"She threw it on the floor!"

If you haven't guessed yet, those were all lies. Yep. All three. One page still inside the book is half torn through.

"On her lap".... Puhhh- lease! What to do? A lot of the punishments we have tried don't seem to sink into our 8 year old boys little head. Hmmm...

I know. I was going to go old school. REALLY old school. Like 1890's kind of school.

When we got home, I asked him to grab a pad of paper and a pencil. At the top I wrote - I will not lie. I will not make stuff up.

Then I told him to write that 100 times, with each new set of sentences numbered.

This is where the story gets gooder.

He broke down and cried. Sobbed. 'I'm so sorry!! There was a paper, really, it just... disappeared.'
"100 times??? That's like... a BILLION words!!!!    100 times???? That is like, um, 200 sentences!!!' Feel the anguish in the words....

This is fantastic. I am laughing at the stove because the scene behind me would bring anyone into a fit of laughter, AND my boy is working on math!! Halelu!!

Then, he bargins over and over again - why 100 times? Why not 50 sentences, why not 20?  He gives in.  "Fine." he says subbornly. "I will write them, but I won't number them."

Oh yes you will I say.

"Fine. But I'm NOT going to have good handwriting!!!"

Oh yes you will, I say again. And I add that any sentence written with poor handwriting will be written again.

He's on number 34.
You can see how thrilled he is. Okay. You got me. These are from another, yet different pout. Kids...

Something's stirring....

I'm only writing this so that I don't implode.

I really don't need you to read it. (something a blogger should never say, right???) Today, I'm doing this more for me than anything.... I just need to get my nonsensical feelings onto paper...so to speak.

I feel a longing, a yearning for more. For more of what??

That's the thing...I'm not even sure what I'm longing and yearning for...but it is welling up inside me like a bomb about to go off. I feel the pressure building. I'm a human Old Faithful.... about to spew.....(something yet to be seen, but....something)

I feel fearful. Fearful of loss. I wrote Patrick this morning, and shared my fear of him not being with us. (as in through death) What would I do? What would happen to us??

Are these fears anything I should even be concerned with? No. Not really. I mean, a plan for disaster is always good, but you shouldn't dwell on it.

It's the combo of those two feelings, the explosive pressure of an expectation, a yearning, something craving for more; coupled with a random, life-changing fear.... it's that combo that is freaking me out.

I think at times we all have random bursts of fear. Fear of losing. Losing a job, child, spouse, parent, family/ friends.....

We all probably also share the feeling of something great coming. But at the same time??

Something that is not helping is my book study. I'm reading this book talking about God being in control of everything....everything. Even our losses. Dreams unfulfilled. It's not helping because I feel no control. And spinning on this earth with the realization of no control is very frightening sometimes. (to me anyway) I like to have a plan, to know what's coming up, what's around the bend.

So, that's where I am today. A very odd place. More excitement like I'm on the edge of a precipice, but twinged with a fear of loss. I am earnestly seeking God to show me what He has in store and what He is trying to show me, or to at least calm my spirit. God is a big God and I admit I could never begin to understand His ways, but I also know He is in control of this anxious jumpy feeling in me today.