I'm only writing this so that I don't implode.
I really don't need you to read it. (something a blogger should never say, right???) Today, I'm doing this more for me than anything.... I just need to get my nonsensical feelings onto paper...so to speak.
I feel a longing, a yearning for more. For more of what??
That's the thing...I'm not even sure what I'm longing and yearning for...but it is welling up inside me like a bomb about to go off. I feel the pressure building. I'm a human Old Faithful.... about to spew.....(something yet to be seen, but....something)
I feel fearful. Fearful of loss. I wrote Patrick this morning, and shared my fear of him not being with us. (as in through death) What would I do? What would happen to us??
Are these fears anything I should even be concerned with? No. Not really. I mean, a plan for disaster is always good, but you shouldn't dwell on it.
It's the combo of those two feelings, the explosive pressure of an expectation, a yearning, something craving for more; coupled with a random, life-changing fear.... it's that combo that is freaking me out.
I think at times we all have random bursts of fear. Fear of losing. Losing a job, child, spouse, parent, family/ friends.....
We all probably also share the feeling of something great coming. But at the same time??
Something that is not helping is my book study. I'm reading this book talking about God being in control of everything....everything. Even our losses. Dreams unfulfilled. It's not helping because I feel no control. And spinning on this earth with the realization of no control is very frightening sometimes. (to me anyway) I like to have a plan, to know what's coming up, what's around the bend.
So, that's where I am today. A very odd place. More excitement like I'm on the edge of a precipice, but twinged with a fear of loss. I am earnestly seeking God to show me what He has in store and what He is trying to show me, or to at least calm my spirit. God is a big God and I admit I could never begin to understand His ways, but I also know He is in control of this anxious jumpy feeling in me today.
I feel ya! Thanks for posting this- it's encouraging to know that someone else is in the same place. It's hard feeling like you have no control, but even harder trusting that God is in control :)
ReplyDeletePlacing fear in our heart's is Satan's best strategy- I'll be praying for peace in your life!
"God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and of sound mind." When my kids come to me with nightmares, I have them say this verse. When I have a fearful day, I try to repeat this for myself too. If you want to have a good laugh...yell it at the top of your lungs:) Helps me sometimes:0 lol ...sometimes at the top of my lungs I sing, "I have the peace that passes understanding down in my heart!" ...my kids often look at me and say "Where?"
ReplyDelete