Overwhelmed

Last week:

I was super overwhelmed with life. I hate to admit all of this to you. To 'say it outloud'... but...

I was tired of being a parent.
I was soooo tired of being a mommy. A mommy who's name seemed to be whined every 7-30 seconds of my life.
I was done with cranky babies who don't communicate. Tired of lost blankies and pacifiers. Tired of looking for them when young ones can't sleep without them.

Frankly people, I was tired of being me. I didn't want to be me anymore. I wanted a break from me. Where is the witness protection program when you really need them??? Me and my fake name were ready to go.

I was so tired of cleaning our house....which frankly... was never really that clean! I could live to be 100 years old and never make a bed again. So what if mold grows in a cup once in awhile???? I guess I don't really mean that. It is really disgusting, I know. But I had just reached this point of... ugh.

I didn't like my body shape (as in out of shape), my face, my hair - not the color or length or style.  I know that sounds extremely shallow..... but am I alone here???? Have you ever had a time like this??? This was mine. (and... perhaps I could admit that there is a slight chance that maybe hormones had a part....)

This week:

We're at a whole different ball game this week. I'm 'okay' with being me again. (mostly) haha
I have settled back into reality, but this week, this week is a spiritual roller-coaster, and not a physical one.

There were two ladies in choir last week that said prayers they have been praying for decades are being answered! Wow. Brought tears to my eyes. I feel like God is doing so much in my life right now. I'm glad I didn't get 'called upon' last week during choir to say what God is doing/has done because I would have talked too much! They'd be reminding me it is only a two hour practice! ;)

But, in addition to all the things God IS doing in my life, there is alot I feel that He is not doing. There are issues I have been praying about for near a decade, things I want changed, improved, different... and... they're not. Why?? This I struggle with. Big time. I recognize the problem/heart issue. I see it and have prayed about it. God knows, that I know about it, and that I want it gone.

But is it??? Noooooooo. Why isn't God "poofing" it out of my life???? Rrrrrr.... :) Why doesn't God just "take" our problems away??? He IS big enough. Why does He want me to figure this out when I feel like I can't sometimes? (And it is not just one thing. It is small things or big things... whatever you are dealing with at one particular time.)

Then we went to Sunday night church - it was amazing. Our pastor wasn't exactly talking about this the way I will explain it to you, but this is how it ministered to me:

He said the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (garden of Eden) was right there, smack dab in the middle of their life and work. It was right next to the Tree of Life. It looked good. But! They weren't allowed to touch it. To eat from it. To partake of it in any way.

Interesting. So not only does He know that something we aren't supposed to have/be a part of  is right there... but He allows it. And we have to deal with it. And still obey Him.

This is a lot for me to digest. I don't even know if this even makes any sense to you... considering it is my revelation/struggle. I was up all night last night. I couldn't sleep and this is what I keep trying to mentally 'unpack' for application in my life. I'm not even sure it is an antidote for my struggles, but it is an interesting way of looking at something in a new way.

And THAT, my friends is what has been going on in my life.... and thanks for letting me share!

The past week

Dear You,

I have thought about you this past week, but I haven't had a chance to say hi. So sorry. Hope you have been well.

I had a sick baby last week. The tummy flu - it was gross. One year olds should never be allowed to throw up. For one, they don't run to the toilet first, and even if you hear it coming, they don't want a bowl shoved up under their chin when they feel that way. They would actually prefer to vomit on their own clothing, the highchair, and your carpet. Oh, and in and on their bedding and toys, lest we forget. So, that kept me a teenie bit busy.

Then, as soon as she recovered from that she entered a few days of severe teething. All four sides of her mouth with exposed gum lines have sharp jagged white teeth coming up. At once.

May I say that while going through this, she was just lovely. NOT! It was extremely painful for everyone involved. Really. Oh, and I also got a knot in my back the size of a grapefruit, and a crick in my hip, and a sore elbow from holding her so much. And since I was the only one she wanted - it was a loooooonnnggg week.

However, I think we are back to normal now. The morning was good, the afternoon today was interesting. But I think we are definitely 'out of the woods'.

Sooooo..... how have you been??? Any interesting stories to share? Anyone win any lotto tickets?

Me?? I'm going to enjoy some 'me' time tonight. Patrick is out for guys night.

I love guy's night. Love it. I love my husband. I adore him, his attention, and spending time with him. BUT... a night to myself, with all the kids tucked in bed and the house silent is AMAZING. It's not just the bees knees darling... it's the whole bees legs!! (wink)

I get to do what I want when I want as fast and as slow as I want. If I want to spend the entire night showering and primping and spa-ing, I can. If I want to blog and watch movies, I can. If I want to read magazines with popcorn and hot chocolate... I can. Well, you get the idea. And so, I'm off.

Although I love you, I don't want to spend the entire night with you! No offense! ;)
Cordially,
Me

Sunnyside Up

We had a showing yesterday evening. Patrick had a short day and was home early to help me clean. Our house wasn't that bad, but there is a difference between tidy and "show ready". 

Here is the biggest thing I struggle with - the details.
We got our whole 2590sq feet all tidy, clean, and show ready yesterday. But... no matter how much we clean or straighten up, we never seem to get it perfect. Just really top-notch. You know??

Yesterday when we left, the house was looking good, but there was laundry in my daughter's laundry basket. There was overflowing laundry in our laundry basket, that I 'hid' on top of my husbands shoes. The oven is dirty. The microwave is a little splattered. The toilets are technically ....clean...., but they need a detailed scrubbing. (yes, I know... maybe I should be doing those things instead of blogging....)

The question is this: How thoroughly are the people looking? Are they just walking through the rooms taking it all in and mentally mapping out their furniture?? Or are they flushing toilets, running sinks, and looking in cabinets and...ovens????

So we come home and the house was so nice. (in my opinion) I had a candle burning downstairs, all the house lamps and lights were on since the showing was at night. (It's amazing how warm and charming your house looks with every lamp and light on!) I get the kids a snack before bed and start making my way around the house to turn off all the lights.

I am peacefully enjoying a quiet, warm house, all clean and semi-perfect....when I open the laundry room door ... and see the horror.

Right before we left, my son had a few touch-ups to do in his room to make it show-ready. Specifically, some laundry on the middle of his floor. Instead of the obvious throw-it-in-the-laundry-basket-in-his-closet maneuver.... he took the pair of socks and two dirty underwear and tossed it in the laundry room.

Smack dab in the middle of the floor.

Sunnyside up.   (so to speak)

Let's just say I'm glad there weren't skid marks on display, but I was still horrified that we showed our house this way!! Absolutely horrified. Someone told me a few months ago that their friend was selling their house and everything was perfect, but on the way out they inadvertently left a poopy diaper on the kitchen counter... and the house sold to the people looking at it that day. She told me that story to encourage me for the times the house may be less than perfect, but it wasn't much comfort last night. :)

Can you imagine if that was you touring a house and you saw that as you entered the room?? And they had to actually step over it if they walked through the laundry to see the storage room. ugh.

If there is one thing I can take away from this as positive, it is this: it was children's underwear. Thankfully it wasn't an adults... like mine or Patrick's. That's just worse. Much, much worse. With kids there's at least the chance they can laugh it off. "Oh... hahah... crazy kids..."  If it was an adult's it is just gross. "What is wrong with these people? This is sick."

Well - I would love to get an offer on the house... but I'm not sure if I should be holding my breath waiting for one from these fine folks!

The first week was a success!

The first week went soo well - and even though it is the first week of January, I'm not talking about an exercise or diet plan. (Though I would really love to get in shape sometime this year...)

It was the first week of homeschool! :) Whoo!Whoo!

You may remember me talking about it here. I have started homeschooling my son before he transfers to a charter school next fall. I had a great week! I was a little worried about him missing friends, not concentrating, not obeying, not taking me seriously when I say this is real school.... but he did fantastic. We got a lot done, and I was really proud of him!

And you know the best part??? After our first day of school he told his dad at the dinner table (unprompted) how much he likes homeschooling, and that it was fun. Boy oh boy did I feel like a super-rock-star-mom!

I know there may be some tougher days ahead. I try to be realistic. There may be a whole week where we are going uphill both ways - so to speak.... but this week was a banner first week! Go me! (This would mean more to you if you really knew how much, how very much, I never wanted to be homeschooling my children!)

He is getting along great and is not lacking friends whatsoever! In fact, he had a girl call him to chat yesterday. She has been a great friend of his since last year. She called again today - three times. They were 'talking' on the phone while Alex played Mario with his dad. And on one of the phone calls, Alex was just narrating what everyone in the house was doing. "mom is walking to the kitchen, Avalon is going to get a baby doll..."
(Frankly, I'm glad I wasn't on the phone. Super boring conversation with a seven year old.)

So, here we go, on to week two. Bring it on! (but, um... be nice to me, I'm still a newbie)

The Story of Us - current snapshot

I back-tracked pretty far telling you how I met and began to date Patrick. But for now, I want to share where we are - catch us up to the present.

This is my husband ~ my friend. Father of our kids. Co-traveler. Person I share a bed with, a bathroom with, attend church with, pay bills with. He's who I've shared the last decade with - this is our tenth year of marriage to each other - and it's been a good decade! Quite an adventure!

How small can you go?

How much space do you need?

This is something I have been thinking about, and you are about to hear my (scattered) thoughts regarding it.

We are selling our home. Well, we are trying to sell our home. It is listed, and we are praying that the Lord would bring the right buyer along. Of course, if our house doesn't sell, we will be just fine here. But there are certain wants and desires and goals we have for our family which we could attain if we were to move.

One big factor we are working with here, is money. We are not millionaires. (shocking, right?) We have a very very nice house right now. Sometimes, looking around it, and frankly, using it - I wonder why on earth we'd want to leave. Like when I was laying in our large, jetted soaking tub, enjoying a large private beautiful bathroom. Do I really want to give this up for a small ugly bathroom that the washer and dryer are also sharing???

Do I want to give up a dual sink master bath for no master bath? Can I go from having that luxury to sharing a bathroom with our kids and guests?? Of course I can. It would probably not be an easy transition or always enjoyable, but doable.

I say this, because we want land. Space. Animals. But, in order to have those, and still afford it, the house quality and size drops dramatically. But this begs the question - how much do you need? There are people all over the world sharing a small hut with six people; families in Europe having two or more families or generations all in a tiny apartment. And we really need a separate bedroom for each child? Or a dining room? Or a three car garage? (we don't actually have all those... it was an American collective 'we' I was referring to)

I have friends who have two boys. Their house is for sale also, and they are down-sizing to either a condo or a 900sf home. Did you hear that??? 900 square feet. She is brave. I'm having trouble with the idea of going from our 2600sf home to a 1947sf home. It's all about design I guess. (and organization, and having less stuff...) Our house may be 'small' compared to others on our side of town, but it is designed and arranged better than most homes I've toured. We have three bathrooms, five bedrooms, an office, and a small play nook. It is extremely difficult to find all those same features in a home with a thousand more square feet than ours. Trust me, I've looked.

I have some reservations about moving somewhere smaller. What about when one of the kids is sick or up in the middle of the night and I have three girls in one room? What about when I want to send them to their own rooms when they are fighting or driving me crazy??  There would be no 'their own rooms' to go to! What about when it is winter (like now) and outdoor activities and time are limited so you spend most of your life in your house, and the house is so small... and you're all driving each other crazy, cause there is no other room or level of the house to escape to?????

I am (still) reading Little House in the Big Woods to the kids. I read it to them with wonder. How did families DO that?? We Americans are well 'past' that now. It is our history, but completely unfamiliar to us at this point - kids sharing one bed, just living in a one room cabin, no multiple bathrooms (or any bathrooms to be exact). How do we as 'modern' people make the transition back to a simpler way of life?

If our house does sell, this a journey I may well be taking. The adventure, the annoyances, the fun and new discoveries. But most of all, I have this secret little desire. I don't like how technological our world has become (as I'm writing on a blog). I don't like how disconnected we all are. We have all these techno connections (FB, Twitter, email, cell phones, Skype), but we aren't really connected much at all. I secretly hope that by getting my family to a small - connected space - we actually stay connected. Through the teen years, adult years - all of it. After all, that is all we can take with us at the end of our life anyway - relationships. So, maybe not having a private, large master bath with soaking tub isn't the most important thing.

First Date - The Story of Us part 5

We all have our moments. Those not so pretty moments. Or days, or weeks..... I was having one.

I am a fairly emotional and dramatic person. Those connotations can be read as negative things.. but they can be really good things too! Emotion is good. A little drama is good too. Nobody wants to be around some statuesque person who never dares to do or say anything exciting.

Trust me. I don't really pull too many punches. Constantly in our marriage, Patrick is reminding me that the conversation we had with so-and-so the other night... well, I pretty well 'crossed the line' with my bluntness. I just say it like it is. If you ever walk up to me and I don't have much to say... I'm probably saying it like it is - in my head - so you just can't hear me. That is the only protection I have against myself!

So back to our first date.

I had this guy friend that I did everything with. Movies, boating, dancing, sitting and watching TV. You name it. He was a great friend, and it was a great time. What I didn't realize at the time, was that single guys don't just want to be friends. (I was pretty naive...)

So Patrick called, and wanted to get together for coffee. Sure! I'll go! Who doesn't want to make and have more friends??? (Surely it couldn't a date... that hadn't really occurred to me) People need to have many friends in their lives.

I went and we had 'coffee'. (I don't drink it, so I bet I had hot cocoa)

Here's the thing. I had loved and lost more than what you know of....there was of course more past heart history with guys than just Worm Poop and Brian. I was only 22, but I was so tired of guys. Fine, fine... I'll just be an old maid. Whatever. Guys are stupid. Guys... apparently... will never like me at the same time I like them, or have the same level of emotions. Marriage shmarriage. So what if it was my life-long dream?? I will just assume it wasn't meant to be.

(told ya I can be dramatic....)

And that, my friend, is how I went on this date. Guys, shmuys.

I told Patrick everything. Yep. Everything. Our family history, parents divorce, past boyfriends, past loves... hopes dreams.... random thoughts, Tara-isms.... everything.

I thought the night went pretty well. What did I care??? :) Guys, shmuys, right???? If I was going to be an old maid, it really didn't matter if I was open and honest, and just truly me to the core while I got coffee with this... stranger.

I got home and went back to Mom's room. She was hanging up some clothes in her closet before getting ready for bed. I remember her smiling, kind of slyly, and asking how it went. I told her great, but that I'll never see that guy again!

She stopped what she was doing and asked why. I filled her in. She didn't think it was a wise move, but what did she know??? Didn't she know I was going to grow old alone??? I didn't see how it mattered.

Here's the kicker. And that most amazing thing. Patrick called the. very. next. day.

We went out again the next night. To a movie. (was that just a ploy so he wouldn't have to listen to me talk??)
Anyway, it was snowing. We went to Tinseltown, and we were early, so we went to Target next door and walked around. On the walk back to the theater there was a snowball fight.

Weren't we just flirty little things?? All I know was that I had a great time. Again.
Who was this guy?? Very intriguing. Genuine. Interesting.

Needless to say, in the following week, I think we had about four dates. And the momentum picked up from there. Although... to be completely honest with you... I'm not sure I knew we were dating. I did know though.. that I had found a very good friend!

The freakin scariest thing - ever.

Our son has severe food allergies. Severe.

But most of the time we don't even notice. You stay away from those foods and that's it. You live in perfect health as long as you don't touch those foods. It's a normal life - for the most part.

So, what was so scary??? Let me sum up. It's a long story.

We were at Villa Sport today to watch the TCU game.
Our car had a flat as we pulled into the partking lot.
My father in law followed Patrick to a tire place, and brought him back to Villa.
It is New Years, and apparently with the holiday and all the ice (slide off into curbs???) the shop was backed up for FOUR hours.
We now have four young kids, no diapers, and no food from home 'trapped' at Villa for four hours.
For the first two the kids play in the play area.
Then we pick them up and they are pretty good, but HUNGRY.
There are free chips, salsa, and chex mix in the cafe. We eat some.
The kids are still hungry and we have a LONG way to go.
We go 'a-shopping' in the cafe for food. We find that Alex (food allergies) can have the chicken nuggets or a Clif bar. I vote for Clif bar, because if you've seen Food Inc, you would too.....but the nuggets won out.

Anyway.... guess what??? They made a mistake. A big one. Alex was allergic to something in the nuggets. The breading, I'm guessing... probably had egg or milk in it. Most of them do.
I still don't have a car.
I don't have an Epi-pen.
I don't even have Benadryl.
I don't even have my purse with us.

UGH. I am now a super stress ball. My son is spitting in a toilet (what he does when he feels his throat tightening up). He face is turning red.

Eventually he starts to wheeze. This is bad.

At this point Patrick is already on his way to get the car.
There is an Epi-pen (the thing that will save his life) in the car.
I consider calling an ambulance.
I think, that even if I do, Patrick will get there sooner. He is, afterall, just across the street. He just has to pay for the tires and cross the stoplight. Please don't let it be red!!! You know how emergencies are though... every second feels like an eternity.

AND, as if a child in danger isn't enough, my four year old with a bladder the size of a pea, is now screaming bloody murder that she has to use the bathroom.
I fill a Villa staff member in, he watches Alex.
I run to the bathroom with the girl.
I get back and Patrick runs in... with a tire repair kit.
(it was a fast scrambling around in a dark messy car - it was under a seat, and you know.. you just start running)

(This is probably, in hindsight the only light part of the evening... but since we still had an emergency going on, it wasn't funny at the time.)
I ran back out to the car (running on ice is interesting) and grab the Pen and run back inside.

I read the directions to Patrick (it's a shot).
Oh, and we've never had to use one of these before. It's freaky.
You have to take the safety cap off and JAM it into your child's thigh and then hold it there for 10 seconds.
Patrick did the shot, thankfully.

Poor Alex, he couldn't breathe, but he sure screamed!!
I was bascially crying. I was just holding him and loving him, and trying not to freak out.

Oh, and somewhere during this, I lost the baby. Well, in all the commotion, my father in law ended up coming back to Villa, and there he was - holding Talia. Phew. She could have wandered off into the parking lot for all I know.... we were a bit consumed. You would have been too.....

Instantly Alex was doing better.

That was the freaky-est thing EVER. Your children have  a capacity to scare you like nothing else. A nuclear bomb threat... oh... it's okay. We have a shelter. A giant gorilla is lose in town?? No worries. Your child has something going on??? OMG... call in the national guard and get everyone you know praying!!

We get home and put him in bed, and now his eye is swelling and his whole upper body has hives. We hit him with Benadryl and let him play Wii while we 'watch' him.

I'm typing this now, with him in bed, and all seems well. The swelling is going down. He can breathe. But... um... I'm not sure I'll sleep tonight. I'll be up for awhile... so if you want to call.... I'm sure I'll be up! But you may just get the re-cap on this story again... so you may not actually want to call! ;)