Dear diary

Yep. I'm using cyber world as an open diary again.

I am deeply troubled today. .....I don't know why.....

It is my third child's birthday. She is five today. She is amazing. Her spirit is adorable and infectious. She is an awesome person and you all should get to know her. She could change your world. I should be happy celebrating her, right?

But my heart is sad. My heart is heavy. I ache. I'm grieving, and I don't even know for ....what. I didn't lose anything tangible. I didn't lose anything real.

I can't really explain why I might feel this way. Is it spiritual? Hormones? A chemical imbalance?? ;)
I don't know. I just need to maybe write this down, it helps me get things off my chest, which usually makes me feel better.

It started last night. I was singing Christmas carols for two hours, so I should have been in a good mood. I had a fun time and all, I loved seeing my friends!! But, it started then. The realization of a loss somewhere, somehow.

Now, I have been delving into this book about a young mom that becomes a widow after losing her husband in a sudden accident. I am sensitive. Maybe that's it??

I saw an absolutely horrific accident at Old Ranch and Powers this morning. Graphic. The truck was smashed so badly it was hard to even imagine how a human could have fit in there a few minutes earlier. It was on it's side and the drivers side was not recognizable. The front tires of the truck were about 30 feet away, laying alone by themselves. I think, that I just witnessed someone's last spot on this earth. How does that bad of an accident even occur? Could that have influenced my mood? Probably. I'm sure it did. I'm sure someone just lost a loved one right before Christmas.

But I didn't know them. I, myself, didn't experience that loss. And frankly, I felt this way before the accident. Even the songs that I put on today (randomly) seem to know how I feel. The clouds overhead hiding the sun seem to know too.

It is possible to grieve a loss you never really had? Is it possible to grieve something spiritually?
Is it okay to want to cry, even if you aren't sure of the reason?

(seriously hope/assume that guys aren't reading this today. I know this feeling subject is far beyond their comprehension of women. There is no way they 'get' this. Not that guys don't feel, I just don't see them moved by unknown emotions that much.... sorry guys.)

more closet thoughts

1. I mentioned wearing clothes that are too big. My sis is a slight bit bigger than me. Slight. And I've lost weight. And I need to gain weight - it's just slower going than one would hope. My sis' shirts and most skirts and pants are awesome, but some pants have been a little loose. I feel I must explain - she is not a size 12- she is like an amazing slender, sexy and hot little mama. And I even admit I've bought some things that are not my size - hoping they'd fit 'someday', or I just had bad judgement. But if you read yesterday's post, you'd see I am trying to no longer dress for 'someday'.

I have this pair of jeans with ripped knees. I LOVE them. But they are too big - don't remember where I got them. But love them so much, they were actually complete jeans at one point and the holes in the knees came as the material was literally worn and washed away. But they are BIG on me. I wore them a few weeks ago, with shorts on underneath to fill out the 'poopy butt', and a belt. That's just sad. But I'm not ready to rip any holes in my 'new' jeans!! So, there you have it.

2. As I look at my clothes being posted on the web for all to see, it becomes apparent to me just how much of a jeans/tee/ and cap kind of girl I am. They are the mainstays in my life, and they even got center-stage of the photos. I always kinda picture me as an adventurous and fun dresser - the photos would suggest otherwise.... hmmm...  time for new mental snapshots???

3. I'm obviously not a HUGE scarf fan, as I feel the display is cute, but there are only 4 scarves there. Hmm.. not ready to let them go yet though. :) My winter scarves get worn. I appreciate their warmth too much!

4. Guess I'm not too much of a jewelry fan either. The pic looks reaallllly boring. I need a blue necklace, but even if I add that - still a pretty boring display. Oh well. Neutrals match everything, right??? I'm just being frugal and practical. Plus, some of them are from my aunt and my grandma, and I want to hang on to those just because. There is this long shell necklace my grandpa brought back from the Philippines for my grandma while he was in the Navy. Awww.... I don't wear it, (maybe I should) but I'm not getting rid of it either.

5. I'm so glad I only took a picture of my boots (which, yes, are stored in upright opened packing boxes. What can I say, I'm a little bit cheap). Anyway - the boots. So glad I didn't take a picture of all my SHOES. You would be appalled. Seriously blown away. Not at the stylishness. Not at the name brands. Oh no. Just at the sheer volume. I would be sooo embarrassed. Whew. Glad I wasn't too click happy yesterday. I, uh... need to clear those out too.... ahem. Well, as all parts of my life, so it is with simplifying and clearing out - something I have felt called to for over a year - One Step at a Time.

Or, as the Gildea family likes to say, "Baby Steps." :) hee hee. (We have a baby schedule to keep Bob) If you know what that is from, then you are cool too! ;)

Time to let them go??

I own a lot of clothes. That is true. But I don't spend a lot on clothes - which is good and bad for several reasons. I get most of my wardrobe from the thrift stores, and another decent portion from my super stylish sis' hand-me-downs! (Thank you forever and forever B - you rock!)

The down-side, is that it is a wardrobe just mushed together. Not a lot of rhyme and reason - just cute stuff (to me) that was cheap or free. And that can mean that sometimes - you just don't look good. When you are a size (say 8) and you are trying to fit into the size (let's say...12) - you just don't look good no matter how cute/stylish/trendy the pants are. You just don't. Even if you tuck in shirts and wear mutiple belts. It's doesn't work. And it certainly doesn't look amazing.

 Yet, I hang on to them, because - you guessed it -

they are uber cute.

This is not good.

A good thing about my closet is - I have my own. At our old house we (hubs and I) shared a small master closet. At this house - we each have our own. (Yes, I know I rag on my house and say we live in the ghetto - but our closets ROCK) They are both deep and wide. Love them.

And in my own space, I can do whatever I want. First and foremost no matter what size closet I have ever had, I organize. I like to actually find what I think I might like to wear, and/or match my clothes on any given day. Call me crazy.

So the whole closet is color organized. Above? As if you can't tell - those are my tees. Yes. I own that many t-shirts. And why not? I can (theoretically) sleep in them, layer them in the winter, they are stars of the summer wardrobe.... so you need many. (at least that's what I like to say, cause gosh it's hard to decide how to thin them!)

I even have a place to hang my scarves for any season (pictured), and a spot for my winter scarves(not pictured), plus some of my 'big' jewelry. (if you can see it - that is one of my fav pics of my sis and me. I went blonde, long and curly with my hair, in a white dress. She was dark, straight and short with her hair, and wearing black. It felt like we were opposites of cinematic proportions that day, and I had this photo taken.)

I stagger my jeans so the piles don't flop over. (yes I have a lot of those too, but I don't work in an office, so it's perfectly fine) Somehow, I have ended up with two pink hats, two olive green hats (how does that happen?), and two beige hats. Weird. (This is just turning out to be the most fascinating blog huh? not. Um, please keep reading. I'm almost to my point.)

My boots. I'm so proud of them. I had the black ones from a couple years ago - at the thrift store. This year I have been wishing and hoping for a brown pair - for you know, the brown outfits. I went to the thrift store two weeks ago - and guess what - both browns were there - in my size!! Can you believe it? I can - because I actually am soooo loved by God. (I also 'conversed with God' for dark skinny jeans to be there - and found two great pairs!!! Yea God!)

Anyways....... all this stuff, and basically - you don't wear it all. They say we wear 20% of our clothes 80% percent of the time. So that means I have many unworn clothes just sitting there. I call them the 'ugly' clothes. Let's face it. They may actually be ugly, or not, but either way, you aren't wearing them. You know it. They know it. ;)

So, I am on a mission. I'm wearing the 'ugly' clothes. (good, favorite stand-by clothes that I love....I'll be back soon) I figure, if I wear them and hate them.... just face the facts and get rid of them. Stop holding on to them because 'someday' there might be a themed bridal shower for a friend in the Spring for which this dress would be perfect !! Or  because 'someday' when I am horse-back riding, those knickers would look soooo adorable with that hat.

Yeah. That's not ever gonna happen. I don't know who I think I am. I work in a garden. I work at a computer. I raise kids, and empty garbage, and kneel beside a bathtub washing girl's hair. I drive a 'truck' most days, and shop mainly grocery stores.

Now, that doesn't mean I need to dress terribly, but I also don't need all the 'someday what if' outfits. So they are slowly but surely heading to the thrift store to bless some other lady out there, just hoping and praying for red corduroy pants, or a dress for a spring-time themed bridal shower.

A week ago I wore this cut-off tan corduroy skirt to church. I wasn't sure if I should rock it or chock it. And even though I felt like I was channeling a 70's chick, I liked the skirt. It gets to stay. For now.

The movie whisperer

I have a love/hate relationship with movies. I just finished watching one and there are two main problems with me watching a film.

1. It takes me to another world.

and,

2. It takes me to another world.

See, I'm really not a grown-up at all. (I had y'all fooled for a minute, didn't I?) I am somewhere between 6 and 12 years old walking around in an adult body. How old I am just depends on the day..... ;)

The first "takes me to another world" is amazing. After watching Moneyball, I was pretty darn sure I could easily be a pro baseball player. How hard could it be - it was just a game of math!! (Plus to work with Brad Pitt...err... wait... never mind) Seriously though, thought I had a chance at baseball. Really I did. Ask my husband. I was temporarily delusional.

Cinderella. Saw it in the theater when I was six. Had dreamed about meeting my prince so I could stop doing my cleaning chores ever since. heehee

All the 'girlie' romantic comedies that got me through high-school, college-aged years, engagement, and ...well, still now in marriage, that make you feel anything in love is possible. Even if you've had a baby barfing on you for three days. They take you someplace. Some place magical. Somewhere where dreams come true if you work hard enough, that you really could be beautiful and prom queen if you just take off your glasses and change your hair..... someday that guy will notice you, and think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread and not just an invisible dork. (yes, I know I'm married, but these films evoke feelings from long ago - basic woman/knight in shining armor feelings- okay peeps???)

The 'bring it on' type of movie. You know,.... the one where the ballerina who can't afford dance school and has to go back to her cheer leading competitions, but ultimately has to have a hip hop dance off to save the world???? Yeah. When I'm done watching those (if I actually make it through the movie), I'm convinced I can sooooo do those same moves and think about auditioning them for our next church Christmas or Easter production. (note to self, never ever watch those movies near the holidays)

Then there are the other 'takes me to another world'. These are not so pleasant. Not. Worst one ever in memory bank: I AM LEGEND.

Oh. My. Gosh. I had nightmares for a year and a half after that movie. I have finally learned to block the end of the scene if one of them should pop up on my visual memory slide show. I still don't handle the word 'hive' well..... (course that could be partly because I'm scared to death of bees... but that's another story for another time.) If it wasn't my husband who 'made' me watch it with him, I'd probably have some unforgiveness in my heart for taking away just a tiny piece of my soul.... but I'm not mad at you dear, really. Yeah...sure... that was some 'crazy' movie "effects". anywho......

True stories about animals. I can't separate real from 'movie magic' and most true story movies about animals include scenes that make me squeamish. Bears eating humans, horses breaking their legs, dogs lost, out in the wilderness, all on their own, trying to cover a thousand miles just to get back to their owner who didn't know they are lost, all the while being chased by mountain lions, and starving.... sniff!! Yeah. Those movies mess me up too, so I try an avoid them at all cost. I don't care how amazing Secretariat and the other horse movie was that came out several years ago... I can't watch the whole thing. I just 'pass' by the room every now and then and glance at the screen, but I can't just sit there and let it in.

Once, when I was dating, I was again 'forced' to watch Simon Birch. I'm told this is a great guy movie. Obviously a guy movie. I freaking cried my eyes out. Like... heaving, gut wrenching sobs. The guy was like - you couldn't see his death coming.....?????? Um... yeah. Totally saw it, that's why I'm rocking back in forth in a fetal position bawling my eyes out.....

And last but not least: the movie that was written and directed by some secret agent that saw my junior-high years. The movie about the dork in high school who finally grows up and tries to be a normal person. That is the movie I saw tonight. Dang it! Why was I such a dork??? (if I still am, please. don't tell me. just let me think I've hit the normalcy mode. please)

It's not all entirely my fault that I had braces, and large plastic horrible glasses, and a million other things.... all at the same time. Who can control their eyesight? Or if their teeth grow in a nice little line?? Or if they dressed like a dork... oh wait. I guess that one I coulda controlled....

eh.... back to the movie. I just watched one of these high school horror shows and it made me glad that I'm not in junior high anymore. Sheesh. Hate it for my kids someday! Poor kids...

If I could change one thing about me now?? Would I change my spirit? How sensitive I am to not only movies, but the world around me? No. I like being moved to tears (or sobs if you're watching the Notebook) because I'm not a calloused ol' broad with a heart of stone. And that's a good thing. I like feeling like a dancer or a pro sport player - I will just have to keep those types of movies at the top of my list. I mean, they don't call em "feel good" movies for nothing!

I live in the 18th century

Several months ago we moved from a newer home in a cookie cutter neighborhood. It was built in 2004 - and we decorated the inside ourselves. No one else's bad taste in style had marred the house. It was a fresh blank slate. We painted the walls - can't stand white ones, we had brand new kitchen appliances, a yard we planted and designed ourselves and most modern conveniences.
A sump pump in the basement
Double paned modern plastic windows
A garage door that opened with a remote.

Do you take those things for granted?? Are they just expected in this day and age?? We don't have any of those now. :)

I moved from there to the land (LAND) of our dreams. The house is more...ghetto ... than we would have liked, but our budget didn't allow for both beautiful land and house. ;) But, you see, you can fix up a house with a little hard work, elbow grease and money. You can't do a tremendous amount about crappy land. So, the land won out.

One of the little nuances of living here, is that the washing machine drains outside. No. Literally, outside in the yard. You can see it from the road - because where the pipe comes out and drains... all the grasses and weeds are both tall and green in that little strip of earth. :)

Well, this is all fine and good, reusing water to 'water' the lawn... but in the winter I can't do wash when the temps are below freezing. Just in case the pipe or any standing water in it is frozen, the wash water would back up into the house. So if we have a cold snap of three weeks or so this winter, expect me to start flipping my underwear inside out! HAHHAhahaha!

Oh. And our dryer has been broken since before the move. It is just a $20 heating element - so I'm told. It's on the honey-do list. But... It's not his fault. He's been putting in some really long hours. We'll leave it at that.

I have a clothesline.... which I love actually. LOVE. The clothes smell incredible after hanging out. Downy has nothing on fresh air!! The problem with a day like today is, it IS above freezing, so I ran three loads of wash. And it was windy, so that helped dry the first load fast so that I could hang out the second and third loads. But, at 55 degrees, your hands absolutely freeze handling those cold wet clothes!! Brrrrrr! And at 40 degrees, I need a cup of hot cocoa when I come inside just to thaw and reward my work.

And that... my friends is how a little bit of my life is still 18th century. (except the washing machine part.... I hope that doesn't go!)

Fireplace facts

Things I have learned in the short time period of having a working fireplace in my house:

• No matter if they are actually on fire, or even black, don't move the logs with your bare hands. They will still be hot. I wish I could tell you I've learned this lesson by doing it once. That is simply not true. I still keep doing it.
• The black metal 'thingy' the logs sit on.... yeah... that gets mighty hot too. When reaching for logs with your bare hands, be sure to miss that one. (I have a square shaped black mark on my hand as I write this)
• When you start said fire.... ALWAYS make sure the flue is OPEN first!!
• When you lean in to blow on the fire, for goodness sake, please hold your hair back. There's this time (today) when I was blowing on the embers to restart the flame and there was just smoke, smoke smoke..... then POOF! Large, large flame. Hair was awfully close.... yikes.
• Don't wear a white long-sleeved shirt while carrying logs into the house, playing with the logs with your bare hands, or leaning over the hearth to blow on the embers.
• DO enjoy the sound and crackle of that beautiful fire you made.
• In fact, throw your feet or your tush, or your hands up by the flame to warm them. Feels amazing.
• Eat dinner by fire light. Incredible.