Dear diary

Yep. I'm using cyber world as an open diary again.

I am deeply troubled today. .....I don't know why.....

It is my third child's birthday. She is five today. She is amazing. Her spirit is adorable and infectious. She is an awesome person and you all should get to know her. She could change your world. I should be happy celebrating her, right?

But my heart is sad. My heart is heavy. I ache. I'm grieving, and I don't even know for ....what. I didn't lose anything tangible. I didn't lose anything real.

I can't really explain why I might feel this way. Is it spiritual? Hormones? A chemical imbalance?? ;)
I don't know. I just need to maybe write this down, it helps me get things off my chest, which usually makes me feel better.

It started last night. I was singing Christmas carols for two hours, so I should have been in a good mood. I had a fun time and all, I loved seeing my friends!! But, it started then. The realization of a loss somewhere, somehow.

Now, I have been delving into this book about a young mom that becomes a widow after losing her husband in a sudden accident. I am sensitive. Maybe that's it??

I saw an absolutely horrific accident at Old Ranch and Powers this morning. Graphic. The truck was smashed so badly it was hard to even imagine how a human could have fit in there a few minutes earlier. It was on it's side and the drivers side was not recognizable. The front tires of the truck were about 30 feet away, laying alone by themselves. I think, that I just witnessed someone's last spot on this earth. How does that bad of an accident even occur? Could that have influenced my mood? Probably. I'm sure it did. I'm sure someone just lost a loved one right before Christmas.

But I didn't know them. I, myself, didn't experience that loss. And frankly, I felt this way before the accident. Even the songs that I put on today (randomly) seem to know how I feel. The clouds overhead hiding the sun seem to know too.

It is possible to grieve a loss you never really had? Is it possible to grieve something spiritually?
Is it okay to want to cry, even if you aren't sure of the reason?

(seriously hope/assume that guys aren't reading this today. I know this feeling subject is far beyond their comprehension of women. There is no way they 'get' this. Not that guys don't feel, I just don't see them moved by unknown emotions that much.... sorry guys.)